The Glue that holds me together

I have to admit, like most women, The Notebook is one of my all-time favourite movies! The love between Noah and Allie is epic & almost every female I know swoons when everyone tells Noah to leave Allie's side as her Alzheimer's deteriorates.. but Noah simply says, "Allie is my home".. Every woman wants to be loved like this! If you haven't seen this, you really need to see it, ASAP!

It makes me wonder though.. Is Noah & Allie's love really the most epic love?
Well, no. Romance aside, God stands in front of us with a love that is far more deserving, fantastic and all-consuming, who has forgiven us infinitely more than Noah did Allie & who has loved us with a love that will last forever. He stands at our doors, saying I am your home. Come make your home with me & let's spend eternity together in love.

People often ask me how and why I still believe that God loves me even as I get weaker and sicker. The answer is simple... The more weaker I get, the more convinced I am that God loves me and works in all things for my good. Now God has always been wonderful to me. He made me & he has listened to and answered my prayers since I was young. But never have I known His love like this than He has shown me in the past few years. From helping me and supporting me, he now does almost everything for me. He helps me wake up in the morning. He makes me fall asleep at night even despite the weaning medications and the unbearable agony. He is my friend and companion when all my friends desert me simply because they don't want an "ill" friend. When I am treated unfairly, he works in the hearts of colleagues and others to restore love to the relationship. He holds my hand physically each night and I know that when I leave this earth to go home with Him, I will die in His arms.

Truly, in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him! He holds me together and he's by far the greatest love I have ever known. No man could even come close to comparing with this EPIC LOVE.

Good things come in pairs...

My second award! Inspired by the Sisterhood of Travelling Pants, this is an award for female bloggers to encourage the spirit of sisterhood. I received the award from Emily at  My Inspired Life with Fibromyalgia. 

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver

2. Post 7 things about yourself

3. Pass on the award to 7 other deserving bloggers and inform them that they have been nominated

4. Include the logo of the award in a post or on your blog

7 things about Me!

1. My favourite colour in the whole world is purple. Although this winter, it is closely followed by sea green. 

2. I've never had pets before, unless you can count goldfish. One day, I'd love to have a cute puppy. 

3. I love being creative. I make my own jewellery, I do cross-stitch, knitting and some stitching as well. Check out my creations at My Hands Still Work. 

4. I love nature. I could think of nothing else more wonderful than to watch a beautiful sunset, take a walk outside or just sit on a cliff and watch the sea. 

5. I have lived in 7 different countries in my life. I've been moving countries since I was six months old. 

6. Fibromyalgia consumes a lot of my life & thinking, but one day I will conquer it and things will be different. 

7. I love reading with a passion, particularly fantasy. My favourites at the moment are the Eragon series and anything written by Ted Dekker. 

7 Deserving Blogs:

1. Erin at Chronic Christian Crafter

2. Simone at FibroModem

3. Simple Expression 11

4. Xocolatchic

5. Spooniesta

6. Young Fibromyalgia

7. Fibromyalgia and Faith

There you go! Congrats to all the nominees! You all are truly inspiration blogger sisters to me & I appreciate each and every one of you! 

10 things I'm really looking forward to in Sri Lanka

So, I'm going to Sri Lanka this weekend for one of my best friend's wedding. I've been waiting and longing for this day to come for months. And though it will have a big unimaginable impact on my pain and fatigue levels, I'm really looking forward to it & here's my top 10 reasons why:

10. Some warm weather (just for a change really, even though most probably the humidity will make my pain worse)

9. My gran's cooking - nothing like some good ol' fashioned Lankan cooking - Kiribath, Fish Curry, Brinjal... yum, yum, yum!

8. Travelling alone (this may sound like a weird one as travelling alone is usually more stressful, particularly since carrying my own suitcases will cause me unimaginable pain, but I'm looking forward to being alone for atleast 8 hours straight; 8 hours where I'm not forced to pretend to be ok to stop hurting others feelings; 8 hours where I can blubber when I feel like it and not have the world judge me; 8 hours with no expectations)

7. The elephant orphanage in Pinnewala - I visited this when I was younger and the elephants were so cute!
I absolutely loved it especially their bath time and watching the adorable baby elephants.

6. Giving gifts - Nothing like feeling like Saint Nick for a day, but also it's a good opportunity for me to feel like I am showing that I care and love my friends and family even though I can't spend a lot of time with them because of my fibro.

Half way there.....

5. Seeing my cousins - In all the world, my cousins remind me most of my mum. They are the most loving, caring people you could ever meet and I count each day as a blessing that I get to spend with them.

4. Frien-unions! I get this awesome opportunity to see my friends and best friends whom I haven't seen in 6 years! I'm so excited that I have been telling everyone I can that this will be the highlight of my trip. I feel so lucky and blessed!

3. The fact that I get to be there for my bestie's wedding! I'm so excited that I get to share this wonderful day with her.

2. My other random bestie's sense of humour... She could make a dead chicken laugh. She makes me smile even on my darkest days and let's face it; we all need a friend like that!

And drum roll, please....................

The number 1 thing I am looking forward to is:

1. Being seen & being loved. For the first time in 6 years, I am going to be surrounded by people who knew and loved me, the me I used to be before Fibro took over; People who see the fibro me but also remember who I am on the inside; People who love me despite the zillion ways I fail. Above all, people who can see my heart and soul.

Catch you all once I'm back... :)

Unexpected delays & joys....

It has been about a month since my last post.. and apologies to all for that..
I have no other explanation for it except my lovely buddy, fibro..After a horribly difficult exam experience, followed by immense levels of pain & busyness, culminating in an interstate trip, my body had no spoons to maintain blogging..

But such is the life of a fibromite & in some ways, us all... Life never is a straight line; Strength comes and it goes.. and we sit strapped in the ride, ready to confront it all..

Having said that, life has had some good turns in the past month:

1. I have officially been put on the first set of working pain medications for my condition - I feel like the clock has turned backwards for me. On a good day, I have 50% less pain! 50% - that's huge for me! On a bad day, it's only a little relief, but it's still more relief than if I didn't have the pain killers... So what are these new wonder drugs you ask? They are Lyrica and Cymbalta. If you've never heard of these or you have not been previously prescribed pain medications for your fibro, it's worth having a chat to your GP about them - there are side effects and it is NOT PBS-covered so it is fairly pricey, but if it brings relief, it will probably be worth it.

2. My horrible exam experience which I mentioned earlier.. Today, there emerged a silver lining: I found out that I passed the exam! Hurrah! In some small way, the struggle & pain accomplished something - what a relief!

3. God has yet been faithful! Despite the ups and downs, and the crazy levels of pain and fatigue, he has been with me through it all. He has even restored some friendships and relationships for which I previously had no energy to pursue. He has strengthened old bonds and created new ones.

I don't know where your life is at today - Maybe you're enjoying the wind in your hair as you rise to new heights or maybe you're plummeting down the ride. Either way, hold on to your God and he will guide you through and be faithful to you!

"I delight in the Lord, 

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness."

Isaiah 61:10

The world often sucks but God is forever good

Today was just one of those days; you know the days I'm talking about: the ones where you think you really shouldn't have got out of bed.

The day starts off with expectation.. not the expectation of anything special, but the expectation of something to make life with your chronic illness just a little easier. You're not asking for a handout, but acknowledgement of the fact that you are trying to &  constantly accomplishing things far beyond your reach... You wait...but nothing comes.... You fight anyway, because you are determined to finish. You fight because you are determined to see your dreams come to life, even with the fifty sumo wrestlers sitting on your head & pain in every fibre of your being.. You fight. And you win. You look around but the world hasn't even stopped to notice.. Nobody seems to care.

On to the next dream.. You wait...You expect.. Once again, nothing happens..You fight, You win.... and on it goes... One by one, the weight of those sumo wrestlers & the pain grows.. until it's too much, until it shoves you to the ground and pummels you bit by bit. You try.. You wait.. You expect.. Nothing happens.. You have no fight left.

Today was one of those days. I was promised extra writing time on an exam. Five minutes before the exam started, they denied it to me. I looked across the room and my heart broke. There were others there - those with broken legs and all.. Of course, they deserved to be there, but so did I. Is not my pain counted as even comparable with a broken leg? Surely, it is ten times ten worse...There was nothing I could do. The pain and fatigue had been so high that I couldn't study much and sitting in the exam, I knew if something did not change, I was most definitely going to fail.. In fact, there was little point in sitting the exam at all. All that was left to do was cry.

Instead, I lifted my eyes to the One who can help & said if you want, please take away a little of this fatigue and pain to pass this exam. If not, I will surely fail. Just a little, please. What did God do? A million times more than that... Where everyone else had let me down, I kid you not, I barely had to wait a minute before he lifted almost 50% of the fatigue for a full half of the exam period. He helped me think; He helped me ignore unimaginable pain levels; He said there by my side, each minute. There were so many questions I hadn't even studied for because my brain fog stopped me from understanding anything but God's bigger than that.. How could tax law stand against its maker and mine, God! If you have fibromyalgia, I know you understand just how I was feeling and the impact of what God did for me. As I walked away, after it was over, my eyes welled up with tears of thankfulness (& pain as it grew each minute)...God said: When everyone fails in the 20% they promise you, I'll do for you 100% more than you can possibly imagine, expect or ask for. 

Truly, I know I said it once before this week already, but - If God is for us, who can stand against us? What can stand against us? Nothing! Not fibro! Not even unfair discrimination / lack of support.. Nothing! 

The world often sucks..... but God is forever good.

Our God is for us!

"I, even I, am he who comforts you.
Who are you that you fear mortal men,
the sons of men, who are but grass,
that you forget the Lord your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens
and laid the foundations of the earth,
that you live in constant terror everyday
because of the wrath of the oppressor,
who is bent on destruction?
For where is the wrath of the oppressor?
The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;
they will not die in their dungeon,
nor will they lack bread.
For I am the Lord, your God
who churns up the sea so that its waves roar -
The Lord Almighty is his name.
I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you with the shadow of my hand.
I who set the heavens in place,
who laid the foundations of the earth,
and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.'"
Isaiah 51:11-16

This passage is encouraging the people of God, who are struggling under foreign rule, who are crying out for God to send their Messiah, that God is sovereign. There is no need to fear their foreign rulers or the persecution they face, because they are God's people and the Lord, himself, has them covered & protected by the shadow of His hand. It predicts that wonderful, amazing day in the future, when we will spend eternity with God, when we will be set free from our rebellious bodies and be free to be God's people.

For us, as chronically ill, it has an additional meaning too - Because not only can we long for the day when God will take us to heaven to live with Him, but we can also long for Him in the everyday. He is powerful, more powerful that the disease that oppresses us, that causes us to live in constant terror of pain, being isolated and lonely or being unable to rest. He promises us that we will be set free, according to His promises and in the meantime, we can be sure that we will not be consumed and die in the dungeon of our illness and our daily needs (bread) will be provided for. He will give us words to speak, when we cannot find strength to speak ourselves and we are forever, protected and carried in the shadow of His hand. We are His people, because Jesus restored us to God by dying in our place on the cross.

This is the God that Paul speaks of, when he says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31b). God is for you and he is with you today, no matter where you are at, be it a high, happy place or a dreary dungeon, dreaming of death; He is with you today and always.

Lest we forget...

Happy ANZAC day! If you're not in Australia or New Zealand, you're probably wondering what that means.  


ANZAC day marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. We commemorate and honour the memory of the 60,000 Australians who died in that war and those in wars since. We remember their valiant efforts in achieving for us the freedom we so wonderfully enjoy today. We wear red poppies in their honour. 

I love ANZAC day! What a great opportunity to spend a day being intentionally thankful. But it really got me thinking - how thankful am I really? Anyone can be thankful when things are good, provided that you remember to be thankful in the first place. But what about when things are rough, when life is taking you down an unexpected road, when it feels like it's all falling apart, are you able to be thankful then? 


Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

One of my early posts on this blog was about thankfulness (click here to see it). But I think it's helpful to be reminded of this time & again. Even if today is the single worst day you've ever faced in your entire life, there is still much to be thankful for. For instance - you survived today!! God saved you from the depth of hell because of Jesus' dying on a cross for you!! And no matter how hard today has been, God has not left your side, not even for a second! Trust me, once we stop long enough to think of three things that God has done for us that we can be thankful for, we are overwhelmed by the long list that comes to mind. Surely, if we started now & never stopped thanking God for all He's done till the end of time, we would still be nowhere near finished. 

I think today, I will use this day to not just be thankful to the soldiers but be thankful to God for the freedom he has bought for me in Christ, that I so wonderfully enjoy. I choose to be thankful for each blessing, for each difficult time that he has used to bring me closer to Him, for each tear of mine that he has collected in His hands and finally, for the fact that today, I am one more day closer to being brought to completion on the day Jesus returns & one more day closer to walking side-by-side forever with my God. And so are you! 

For more details on the history behind ANZAC Day, click here. 

I dream.......

Today, I want to share with you something quite personal. To give you a bit of background, I wrote this when I had just started back at work (part-time), my health was still really difficult & I was feeling totally overwhelmed by everyone's expectations of me to be fine just because I looked it & of course, their resulting disappointing looks when I couldn't run with them to catch the train or climb up the stairs instead of the escalator.
God encouraged me during this time, to remember that this world is not perfect. In fact, it is not even good. Like Paul says, we as Christians, along with all creation, are groaning with expectation for the new world, the new heavens and the new earth God has made for his people.

Hope this encourages you,as you groan with expectation for God's world, to keep hoping & to keep your hope in God.

I dream (c) 2012
I dream of a new world,
A place far better than this;
Somewhere with no pain.
I dream of an age with sun
That doesn't blind,
And light that doesn't burn
A morning that gives birth to life, not agony
A day that doesn't strip
A year's worth of life from each.

I dream of a time when people look at me
And see who I am, not just how I look;
A place that accepts just me
Not my lists of dones & yet-do's,
Where people stop looking enough to see
the tears in my heart,
And the broken pieces in my hand.

I dream of an age when the weak & poor are no more,
When man considers each other as brothers, not strangers
When love lasts and endures
And a reaching hand finds a lasting heart.

I dream of a world where war is behind us,
Where fear & hate are not our sole dictators,
Where pride can only be read of in books
And natural disasters are buried with the dinosaurs.

I dream of a place that speaks
And revels in pure joy;
One with smiles & laughter
Ear to ear.
I dream of passion & zeal
Directed at the true maker
Where faith is applauded instead of ridiculed
And hearts are bound to sleeves.

I dream of a world where thoughts are shared,
Over more than social media or blogs;
Where each listen more than speaks,
One where rights are not more costly than Armani
I dream of perfection, not in deed but heart.

You may think I'm silly
A fool clinging to worthless ideas.
My world doesn't exist yet
No matter how hard I try.
You can scoff
Say that I'll be alone forever
That may be true
But I can still dream
And one day my dreams will come true
That is a promise, from me to you.

Till then, I wish to sleep.
If only, just to dream.

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?" Romans 8:24b

Be joyful, prayerful & thankful!

Sorry about the delay between the last posts. I've just begun working again, part-time & my body is struggling to cope with this change/increased activity. Over these difficult week, I've been greatly challenged on what it means to be thankful. Paul tells us:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I don't know about you, but I struggle with this one. Particularly, when things are really bad & the depression sets in, I can't seem to stop feeling the pressures of loneliness & I end up focusing on all the things I will never get the chance to do or have because of my illness.

Friends, let me be honest with you. Being thankful & joyful is counter-cultural. Our world entices us to always be wanting & waiting for what we do not have & to pay any cost, even debt, to get what we want - in fact, it is exactly this premise that the entire world of advertising relies on. From morning to night, we are bombarded with images of what we "need" to be cool, accepted & to fit in. It is not uncommon to hear of people disappointed with their current lot in life because they don't own a house or the latest car etc. All of this is fueled from the idea that we deserve a certain standard of living. We are owed it. So when we do not get it, we are disappointed.
As sons & daughters of God, we know we don't deserve any good thing in our lives. If God gave us what we deserved on a daily basis, that would mean death as the wages of our sin are death (Rom 6:23). We know that every good, and wonderful thing in our life is ONLY because of the sheer grace of God, shown to us in Jesus because he died for us, while we were still sinners.

I hear you saying, 'That's all good in theory, but if you've seen how bad my life is, you wouldn't be able to do what Paul's asking us in this passage." I would like to say three brief things in response:

1. Paul suffered. 
He was tortured, beaten, imprisoned, persecuted, stoned & basically tormented for being a Christian (2 Cor 11:25-28). No one could say that Paul didn't know suffering.

2. Everyone finds this difficult. 
I guarantee that most people, if not everyone, has atleast at one point in their life, struggled to be thankful or joyful. I'm not saying that everyone suffers the same amount. I do believe some of us suffer more intensely than others but the struggle to be joyful amidst depressing circumstances is something all of us find hard.

3. Being joyful, prayerful & thankful are all connected. 
In all these things, I don't believe Paul is just asking us to change our actions ie. perhaps by pinning the sides of our mouths up so that we are always smiling or by setting aside more time for prayer. I think Paul's asking us here to change our attitudes and mindset.

By choosing to be joyful, prayerful and thankful we are acknowledging that life is not just about us fulfilling our own needs and wants. Our life is about giving glory to God. Paul tells us in Romans 9:21 that God chooses some clay for noble purposes and some for common use. In the same way, I believe God chooses some of us to be healed and some of us to remain chronically ill; both so that God might be given glory. Being a Christian involves letting God sit in the driver's seat, even if it looks like he's driving us off a cliff, & knowing and trusting that He will, in all things ,work for the good of those who love Him.

If we are thank God for the good things in our lives (even if you can only think of one), then we can praise Him for it, which reminds us that He is God and in control of all things. This helps us pray for the things we know are lacking & for strength to endure, trusting in God's provision for us. This knowledge of trust helps us find joy, because we know are infinitely cared for & loved.

Let me further explain in an example. Today, I feel miserably ill. My body aches all over & I wonder how much longer I can possibly go on. I slow down, breathe & thank God that He saved me; that I am His child & one day soon, I will be with Him forever in an eternity without any pain or illness. I pray for strength to survive the day & hope so that I can face the future God has already set before me. This gives me joy, not necessarily ecstatic happiness, because I know that I will never have to face a minute of this life without my God by my side.

Friends, this isn't a magic formula or a three-step-program. This is changing our habits & our thought processes. It's hard but if we try to heed Paul's advice in this matter, perhaps we can understand and one day say, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.... I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil 4:11b,13)