Today's theme song...

I feel so broken
From head to toe
I'm curling away from high
Doubt I could rise even if I tried

Yet there's people awaiting
And never ending lists of tasks to be done
For now I have no choice
I wish I could hide rather than run.

God, where are you?

God, where are you?

(c) ChronicFaith

I scream but no sound comes out

I beg but my pleas appear unheard

I’m desperate but my prayers disappear with the wind.

God, where are you?

I struggle and I fall apart

I am mocked & made a fool of

I cry myself to sleep,

God, where are you?

I am in agony and I sweat in anguish

Pain fills me from head to toe

I can’t breathe, I can’t move

God, where are you?

I am filled with grief

I have lost the one I love

I am alone & abandoned,

God, where are you?

When you pleaded, I saw your heart.

When you cried, I collected your tears.

When you were in pain, I held your hand.

When you grieved, I mourned with you.

  

I was never far, my beloved daughter.

I never left your side

If only you could see tomorrow, you’d understand

What I’ve done for you & why.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

God is never far from us & he is always working for our good, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Romans 8:28 says that “in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose”. Because we, as humans, are limited by so much: by time, by our experiences, by our lack of patience  & by peer & cultural pressure, it is very hard for us to see beyond the here and now. But God is outside of time & space and He sees these things. He knows what is best for us, today, tomorrow & each day after that. He is not only interested in providing for us now but for us in the future & for all His children, the same. As His Word says in Isaiah 55:9, “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” What a great & wonderful God we have who looks after us & provides for our every need and want. Let us learn to trust Him in all circumstances, knowing that our trust is placed in a loving God who prepares all things for us & for our good both now & into the future. 

Unexpected delays & joys....

It has been about a month since my last post.. and apologies to all for that..
I have no other explanation for it except my lovely buddy, fibro..After a horribly difficult exam experience, followed by immense levels of pain & busyness, culminating in an interstate trip, my body had no spoons to maintain blogging..

But such is the life of a fibromite & in some ways, us all... Life never is a straight line; Strength comes and it goes.. and we sit strapped in the ride, ready to confront it all..

Having said that, life has had some good turns in the past month:

1. I have officially been put on the first set of working pain medications for my condition - I feel like the clock has turned backwards for me. On a good day, I have 50% less pain! 50% - that's huge for me! On a bad day, it's only a little relief, but it's still more relief than if I didn't have the pain killers... So what are these new wonder drugs you ask? They are Lyrica and Cymbalta. If you've never heard of these or you have not been previously prescribed pain medications for your fibro, it's worth having a chat to your GP about them - there are side effects and it is NOT PBS-covered so it is fairly pricey, but if it brings relief, it will probably be worth it.

2. My horrible exam experience which I mentioned earlier.. Today, there emerged a silver lining: I found out that I passed the exam! Hurrah! In some small way, the struggle & pain accomplished something - what a relief!

3. God has yet been faithful! Despite the ups and downs, and the crazy levels of pain and fatigue, he has been with me through it all. He has even restored some friendships and relationships for which I previously had no energy to pursue. He has strengthened old bonds and created new ones.

I don't know where your life is at today - Maybe you're enjoying the wind in your hair as you rise to new heights or maybe you're plummeting down the ride. Either way, hold on to your God and he will guide you through and be faithful to you!

"I delight in the Lord, 

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness."

Isaiah 61:10

Jesus help me...

I got this prayer from one of my best friends & I thought it was quite beautiful so I want to share it with you:

Jesus help me

In every need, let me come to you with humble trust,
Jesus help me!

In all my doubts, perplexities and temptations,
Jesus help me!

In hours of loneliness, weariness and trials,
Jesus help me!

In the failure of my plans and hopes,
In disappointments, troubles and sorrow,
Jesus help me!

When others fail me,
And your grace alone can assist me,
Jesus help me!

When my heart is cast down by failure,
At seeing no good come from my efforts,
Jesus help me!

When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me,
Jesus help me!

When I am ill,
And my head and hands cannot work,
And I am lonely,
Jesus help me!

Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls and shortcomings of every kind,
Jesus help me!
And never forsake me, Amen!

It's been a bad day...

Leeton, NSW (c) 2011

" O Lord, be gracious to us, 
we long for you.
Be our strength in the morning,
Our salvation in times of distress."                                                                            
Isaiah 33:2

Do you ever feel like you're broken? Like the weight of the world, your day or a really difficult situation has stripped you, leaving you bare & empty?

I've been feeling like this for a couple of days now, like I'm the tree in this picture with no leaves or fruit to show. No matter how hard I've tried, I just haven't been able to lift myself out of this funk I'm in.

Pain has a nasty way of separating us from those around us. It seems like no one truly understands you or wants to face your pain with you. My fibromyalgia has left me disillusioned in the past but the feeling of social isolation & disconnectedness is a really tough one to beat, partially because it is true.

So, what can we do about it?

1. Grieve
I think we can feel free to feel upset, outraged and hurt. In my darkest moments, some of the only words that have been able to capture what I am feeling have come from the Bible itself. Psalm 88 is one of my favourites. The psalmist describes his life is drawing near the grave[v3], being in the lowest pit & in the darkest depths[v6]. He describes the pain at losing all his friends[v8], at being afflicted with suffering & being close to death[v15]. The last verse [v18] in particular, "You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." I know some of you have experienced days like this, & I certainly have over the past weekend.

2. Fall into God's arms
In Psalm 88, we see the reaction of the person suffering under all this grief. He calls out to God, every day [v1-2,9,13]. He does not have his friends around him anymore because they have all left his side. But he has his God. And so do we. Isaiah 33 echoes this. Isaiah cries out in longing to God to be his strength and his salvation. Our best response during those inevitable dark days is not just to cry about it but to give it all to God (note: these 2 things can be done together). Share your loneliness, your fears and your hurt with him & do this daily. There's nothing like unexpressed hurt that leads to never-ending bitterness. Ask him to be your strength. Ask him to help you forgive your friends for not supporting you. Ask him to help you survive this dark day & any others that follow.

3. Do something practical for someone else
Another thing that suffering, isolation & grief are really good at doing is keeping you focused on yourself. When you don't have the energy to survive your own day, you rarely have the energy to look to other's needs. In an ideal world, there'd be others to help you survive, but as followers of Christ, we know that this life is far from perfect. The best thing you can do is find someone else around you who's suffering & help them out. Now you're probably thinking, How? I can barely deal with my own grief. But remember, it does not have to be a big thing. Maybe for you, it means giving a hug to your brother/sister. Maybe it means donating $10 to a charity/mission. Maybe it means praying for someone else, even though you have lots of things to pray for yourself. I believe it is the loving & godly thing to do, to look to each other's interests, even when we feel like our interests are being ignored by everyone else.

I pray that God might be gracious to you this day, as you struggle to survive. May He be your source of strength and comfort & may He enable you to survive this distressing period.

Express yourself!

When life gets us down, it's really easy to get frustrated. But for the most part, something good happens which eases some of that frustration away. When you're chronically ill, sometimes the frustrating events pile up one on top of another & it seems like something good is miles away. This builds up, until you find yourself exploding at a family member or crying over a piece of paper on the floor.

Friends, the best advice I can give you is this: Find a creative outlet to express your frustrations, hurt & pain into. Some of you might be thinking, "But you don't know me. I'm not creative at all. I can't even draw!". Truthfully, it doesn't have to be technically creative; just a healthy way to get rid of some of your frustration so that it doesn't overwhelm you and burst out.

Here's some practical suggestions I've come up with (& no, they don't all work for me):
1. If you are able to exercise, perhaps go for a walk or a run (only up to your physical ability). I am currently not able to do this one.
2. If one of your passions or hobbies does not cause you too much pain, then do that. For eg), if you knit, knit a row or if you are artistic, draw or paint a picture.
3. If you are not creative at all, take a piece of paper. Grab a good sturdy pen & scribble all over the paper. Cover ever inch harder & harder and harder until the paper rips up. Trust me, it sounds weird, but it helps. Another variation of this would be tearing up the paper / putting it through a shredder.
4. Try something monotonous, like throwing a ball on the wall. Focus your frustration on the ball & just go crazy!
5. Cry. Crying is actually better than laughing at getting rid of frustration & hurt. If you can't cry on demand, watch a really sad or heart breaking movie. For me, 'The Notebook' always makes me cry.
6. Laugh. Watch a comedy & laugh. Laughing is not as effective as crying for me, but it's still pretty good at easing some of that tension away.
7. If you are creative, you may choose to write a poem, or a story, or a song.
8. If you are into photography, go around your neighbourhood, a park or your house, & take pictures that identify with how you feel or how you want to feel.
9. Write about your feelings and thoughts in a diary.
10. Catchup with a friend / family member & tell them about it. Be careful with this one, as meeting with a person & sharing your struggles might be quite emotionally draining.
11. Finally, one of the best ones is talk to God. Yell at him. Cry at him. Whinge to him. Whatever you are feeling, just give it to Him. Remember, God wants to be in relationship with us. He's not content to just be part of our good times. He wants all of us, our difficulties, our struggles, our shames as well as our good times, funny incidents & moments of praise. Give it to God; trust me, He's big enough to deal with whatever is going through your mind. If you're feeling up to it, you might choose to pray and ask God to help ease some of these frustrations too.

Hope that helps! Remember, if you fail & lash out, just take a deep breath & try again next time!

Ps - If you're anything like me, you've probably got Madonna's 'Express Yourself' song stuck in your head now. I'm going to go listen to it now :)