Today's theme song...

I feel so broken
From head to toe
I'm curling away from high
Doubt I could rise even if I tried

Yet there's people awaiting
And never ending lists of tasks to be done
For now I have no choice
I wish I could hide rather than run.

Jesus help me...

I got this prayer from one of my best friends & I thought it was quite beautiful so I want to share it with you:

Jesus help me

In every need, let me come to you with humble trust,
Jesus help me!

In all my doubts, perplexities and temptations,
Jesus help me!

In hours of loneliness, weariness and trials,
Jesus help me!

In the failure of my plans and hopes,
In disappointments, troubles and sorrow,
Jesus help me!

When others fail me,
And your grace alone can assist me,
Jesus help me!

When my heart is cast down by failure,
At seeing no good come from my efforts,
Jesus help me!

When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me,
Jesus help me!

When I am ill,
And my head and hands cannot work,
And I am lonely,
Jesus help me!

Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls and shortcomings of every kind,
Jesus help me!
And never forsake me, Amen!

Combating the Blues

I warn you: the following post is not full of encouraging happiness. For those of you who do not struggle with chronic illness & the resulting social isolation, it is extremely likely you will find this post offensive or somewhat un-Christian. But I know that my fellow chronic survivors out there can relate, because you’ve probably all felt this, probably more than once already….

Today is a day of blues.. & no I don’t mean, a day of melancholic music, but a day of increasing sadness.

This week funnily enough, even though it was a shorter week, has truly felt like at least a year of my life. And today once again, I find myself in much the same place I was when I started thinking about this blog:  alone, desperate to help others who feel this pain; desperate to help myself when I feel this pain.

Today, I watched the world around me go about their business; I watched them enjoy their weekend, while I sat in pain trying desperately to survive; to do at least one task on my to-do-list. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Then again, you’d think that someone would have sat by my side or given me a hug, but no.

I felt somewhat like I had accidentally clicked the “Invisible” button on GChat & made the world unable to see me anymore. Today I sat alone.

Over this past week, I have been surrounded by constant reminders of my failings: from my family, colleagues & friends: about how my feelings & illness interrupt with their plans, about how my health just brings the party down & ruins the mood & today, I watched everyone I care about scurry away from me, because I wore that sad, pained expression on my face & did not have the strength to hide it.

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

God really got me thinking that Good Friday & Easter was not too long ago (even if it feels like a century has passed since). It was not too long ago that we remembered Jesus sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus dying on a cross & rising again!

So today, I’m embracing the loneliness. I’m letting the tears run free.  I’m accepting that I’m sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane and though, I want my closest allies to stay awake & pray with me, there are nowhere to be seen when I truly need them. Today, all I have is God. Today, all I want is to be free of this, but what I ask for is “not my will, but yours Lord.”