Cry myself a river

"Turn to me and be gracious to me. 
For I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
And free my from my anguish."                                               Psalm 25:16-17

Let me be upfront about  a few things: Some of you might think this post is unhelpful. You may even think my thoughts are an over-reaction. But I write today for the chronically ill & suffering - I know you have felt this way in the past & might even be feeling this way now. I would be lying if I said this gets easier to face. But as you read this, I hope you see that you are not alone & you do not have to feel guilty or un-godly because you feel this way.

Yesterday was a rough day. Not because it was an unusual day in itself, but because it was a culmination of two week's worth of unsaid words. Someone wise once said, 'Actions speak louder than words'. And they were right! You might be facing persecution or discrimination from your friends or family through their words. They might describe you as lazy or weak because of what you endure every day. These words hurt. Even though they are said because many people don't understand what its like to endure through chronic illness, they hurt. Over time, your family & friends might become understanding. They'll learn & grow to see how your illness affects you & how it isn't your fault. It will be a difficult, long process, but they'll get there and things will get better.

But this post is not about hurting words. It's about hurting actions. For the most part, those closest to me, after nearly seven and a half years of fibromyalgia, understand how chronic illness affects my life. In words, they never blame me or accuse me of skipping important events because of laziness, when in reality it's because of agonizing pain. But their actions... that's a completely different story. I see the frustration & anger in their eyes when I can't walk as fast as them or when I can't run to the platform in the station. I see it when they have to work a little harder to find a restaurant with gluten free options. I hear it in their voices when we talk about recipes, & my ideas are dismissed because to them, 'gluten free' is just too hard. I see it in my work performance reviews when my colleagues who are completely healthy can finish a job in 2 hours & it takes me 2hours & 20 minutes. I feel it everytime I get angry & frustrated because people are treating me unfairly but those around me just attribute it to 'overreaction due to depression'. I feel it everytime I am fearful because there is not a soul in this world who wants to stay by my side & hold my hand through the darkness of my fibro flareups. The unsaid words. The unspoken judgement. It builds up, until it results in the only possible solution - to fall into bed, call out to God & cry & cry & cry, until there's no tears left. I am alone.

If you feel like this, please do not feel guilty for it. In Romans, Paul talks about the whole of creation groaning for God to restore it. It is the same with us. We were made for relationship, with God, ourselves & the world. According to Maslow's hierarchy, showing the fundamental needs of humans, the number one is to feel needed, understood & appreciated. Those of us with chronic illness struggle even more to fulfil this need. The theme & anthem of the unsaid words & unseen actions which screams at us each day is this: 'We accept you. Be who you are, as long as who you are is someone else.' Our need to be accepted drives us to our knees regularly. It forces us to see that this world is not what it is meant to be. It forces us to long with desperation for Jesus to come & restore this world.

Friends, if you feel alone in this crowded world, know that I understand how you feel & more importantly, God knows & understands how you feel. I sympathise with you & I have three pieces of advice for you (& for myself):

1. Cry often. Set aside time once a week to cry & mourn. Cry because of the prejudice you face for your illness. Cry because no one seems to see the effort & love you put in; they only see the lack of results produced. Fall into your God's arms & cry & ask God to take away this week's anguish/pain.

2. Continue to long & look forward to that day, when God will restore this world, your body & all relationships back to perfection.

3. Continue to love others around you, even as God has loved you. Jesus said, 'Whoever has been forgiven little, loves little.' [Luke 7:47]. Remember how much you've been forgiven for, & love as much as you can.

'Pain and suffering often generate a profound sense of loneliness. We think we are cut off from everyone, we feel that no one can possibly understand' Don Carson - How Long, O Lord?

Express yourself!

When life gets us down, it's really easy to get frustrated. But for the most part, something good happens which eases some of that frustration away. When you're chronically ill, sometimes the frustrating events pile up one on top of another & it seems like something good is miles away. This builds up, until you find yourself exploding at a family member or crying over a piece of paper on the floor.

Friends, the best advice I can give you is this: Find a creative outlet to express your frustrations, hurt & pain into. Some of you might be thinking, "But you don't know me. I'm not creative at all. I can't even draw!". Truthfully, it doesn't have to be technically creative; just a healthy way to get rid of some of your frustration so that it doesn't overwhelm you and burst out.

Here's some practical suggestions I've come up with (& no, they don't all work for me):
1. If you are able to exercise, perhaps go for a walk or a run (only up to your physical ability). I am currently not able to do this one.
2. If one of your passions or hobbies does not cause you too much pain, then do that. For eg), if you knit, knit a row or if you are artistic, draw or paint a picture.
3. If you are not creative at all, take a piece of paper. Grab a good sturdy pen & scribble all over the paper. Cover ever inch harder & harder and harder until the paper rips up. Trust me, it sounds weird, but it helps. Another variation of this would be tearing up the paper / putting it through a shredder.
4. Try something monotonous, like throwing a ball on the wall. Focus your frustration on the ball & just go crazy!
5. Cry. Crying is actually better than laughing at getting rid of frustration & hurt. If you can't cry on demand, watch a really sad or heart breaking movie. For me, 'The Notebook' always makes me cry.
6. Laugh. Watch a comedy & laugh. Laughing is not as effective as crying for me, but it's still pretty good at easing some of that tension away.
7. If you are creative, you may choose to write a poem, or a story, or a song.
8. If you are into photography, go around your neighbourhood, a park or your house, & take pictures that identify with how you feel or how you want to feel.
9. Write about your feelings and thoughts in a diary.
10. Catchup with a friend / family member & tell them about it. Be careful with this one, as meeting with a person & sharing your struggles might be quite emotionally draining.
11. Finally, one of the best ones is talk to God. Yell at him. Cry at him. Whinge to him. Whatever you are feeling, just give it to Him. Remember, God wants to be in relationship with us. He's not content to just be part of our good times. He wants all of us, our difficulties, our struggles, our shames as well as our good times, funny incidents & moments of praise. Give it to God; trust me, He's big enough to deal with whatever is going through your mind. If you're feeling up to it, you might choose to pray and ask God to help ease some of these frustrations too.

Hope that helps! Remember, if you fail & lash out, just take a deep breath & try again next time!

Ps - If you're anything like me, you've probably got Madonna's 'Express Yourself' song stuck in your head now. I'm going to go listen to it now :)

God says always be, not always do!

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God"
Ephesians 2:8


Do you ever hear friends, family or even yourself ask the question, "What have you been doing?"
If you're anything like me, you find that to be a very stressful question. I feel guilty to say, 'nothing'. I feel weak to say 'I've just been trying to survive". 


Our society places a lot of pressure on us to do. Holidays need to be planned. Weekends need to be busy. Events need to be organized, goals met & promotions achieved. As a chronic pain sufferer, it can be debilitating & frustrating to not be able to 'do'. Sometimes, trying to 'do' is the very thing that breaks us down & pushes us into yet another pain spiral. 


If you're struggling with something like this, dear friends, take heart. I urge you & encourage you not to let this thought pattern slip into your relationship with God. Remember we are not saved by works but by faith alone. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). 
There is definitely a lot in the Bible about how we should live our lives, that much is true. But our faith, our maturity in Christ and God's love for us is not measured by us & what we can do. It's measured by how much we fall short of God but yet, are loved & saved completely only because of Jesus. 


The world may want you to do & do & do. But more importantly, God wants you to be... To be his daughter / son, to be a sinner in need of a forgiving, loving & just God & to be whatever he has called you to be in your current circumstances. 
If I stop to think about the people who have been most influential in my faith, to those who've challenged & inspired me most, they are usually completely unaware of their depth of the effect of their ministry to me & after years of faith, they definitely still see themselves just as they were when God first found them - sinners desperate for relationship with our loving, just & merciful God. 


Friends, if today is a really tough day for you, just 'be'. Leave the 'doing' up to God. He's much better at it anyway. 

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Keep Me From You

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

This week I have suffered more chronic pain than I have ever had to endure in such a short space of time. I’ve had to wrestle with questions such as: What do I do when the medications don’t work anymore? Is God still here with me even though I’m too miserable to feel / hear Him? And when, in the world, will this end??

In times of difficulty & hardship, particularly when circumstances spin rapidly out of our control, it’s really easy to feel like God’s left the building or that we somehow blew it, & God’s taken his salvation elsewhere.

Paul knew and experienced real suffering and persecution. Even as he faced each day with the certainty of more opposition & violence, he was confident, convinced that he remained in Christ and Christ in Him.

Today, God has challenged me to remember that: Not even persistent, undetectable, unbearable pain can separate me from God’s love for me in Christ. I am in Christ and He is in Me.

Whatever challenges you are going through today and into the future, know that this is still as true as it was the day it was written – Nothing can separate you from God’s love. What an amazing reminder of God’s truth. Praise God!! 

Stop & Smell the Roses

For the past few days, I've felt horrendous; Like two giant sumo wrestlers have made my body their enemy and are relentlessly punching the life out of me. I try to stand up & move, only to be thrashed back down again & almost punished for the previous effort. I call this "forced relaxation", when my body refuses to accept anything but total and complete rest, regardless of the pressures & deadlines to come. I hate this feeling, because I feel rotten and helpless & mostly because there is nothing I can do to make myself feel even a little better.

People say, you need to stop & smell the roses. I feel like our generation needs to hear that message more so than others before us, because we never stop. Life feels like one race after another, except none of us really know what we are racing towards, what the prize is or how long it will take. Dealing with fibromyalgia & the forced relaxation periods is hard; it is counter cultural. I feel like everyone else is an Energiser bunny, buzzing around from task to task, but I feel like the other bunny, who doesn't even make it half way before depleting itself & shutting down.

At this time, I think that it is important to stop & consider what it is drives these feelings of incompetence & abandonment. What is everyone else really running after? Friends, we know that this life is not about how many things we acquire, how many accolades we collect or how many people praise us. This life is about living in relationship with God & bringing Him glory. God doesn't want us to just run our races, without considering to take care of ourselves along the way.

In Genesis, when creation was perfect, God took the seventh day as a day of rest, to reflect on all the good things He had made. Rest was always meant to be part of this world. And it is all the more important for us. We are only human and our bodies require rest to recharge, to heal & to re-energise. We are not everlasting batteries, we need rest & we need time spent with our Creator to re-charge or else, we deplete.

Friends, the next time your illness or your circumstances force you to the ground and hold you there, consider this: If you are forced to stop, you may as well smell those roses while you're there.

Life is a race, but it is not those who reach the end quickest who are rewarded, but those who cling to the cross along the way. So friends, hold on & when you're done, keep holding; this ride is not over yet.

Life & Death

"For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

In this passage, Paul describes the dilemma of every Christian that has ever walked this earth.
One the one hand, we want to die. Death means to be finally reunited with our Maker, God & His King, Jesus. Death means to walk into the new creation where there is no death, pain, suffering, sickness or mourning. Life, on the other hand, means more opportunities to serve God and give Him glory, not to mention more opportunities to share our faith with friends and family.. We are torn.

For those of us who are chronically ill, we know that this dilemma is stretched even further. If you're anything like me, death is the better option, by a long shot. If you are anything like me, you struggle to imagine ever serving again, let alone sharing your faith with others. Chronic illness sometimes robs us of our ability to serve. Over the years, I have watched all my passions of serving and the various things I was involved in disappear one after another from my hands.. It's tough; I mean losing hobbies & friends is hard enough. But losing the ability to serve God is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face.

Two things I think that are helpful for us to remember:

1. We don't know what the future holds. 

Friends, even as I write this, I find it difficult to imagine things will get much better; I struggle to dream of a day when I can catch up & encourage fellow Christians without finding it draining & painful. I wonder if I'll ever pursue my dreams of full-time ministry. But still, I don't know. I can't be certain that I will never get that chance. Only God knows my future. This much I do know, God never needs us to have any abilities to serve Him; after all, He is the giver of abilities. All he asks for is a willing heart. So if you want to serve but can't, talk to God about it. Beg & plead & beg some more for the chance to be involved in His Kingdom work. In Luke 10:2, Jesus says, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Why not ask the Lord to send you, to equip you for His work? 

Let me be brutally honest. God did not answer this prayer of mine for a good long year. It was difficult waiting on Him & in some ways, I think I am still waiting. But, as of last week, I have tasted a glimmer of His grace in answering my prayer. I have been begging God for not just the opportunity to share my faith (because I've had plenty) but the energy to take it up as well as clear cognitive function to actually be able to think & respond. Two weeks ago, I was at the hairdressers when all of a sudden she asked me if it was Ash Wednesday. This led to a short but unmistakable opportunity to talk about God. 

In my prayers the next week, I asked God how I'd be able to talk about God since at best, I have maybe 25% time without brain fog.  Then, at work, a former colleague of mine & I had a decent chat about our beliefs and why I choose to be a Christian. She even agreed to discuss it further on Skype, as we both had some work to get through before the end of the day! And this was a day when my brain was absolutely foggy. In fact, I thought I was blubbering nonsense the whole time but thank God that He can use even my nonsense for His glory! Hurrah! 

2. God is seen clearly when we are weak and broken. 

Friends, you need to hear this. Even if you are not sharing your faith, even if you are lost and unable to move, even if you are not really going to evangelistic events or seeing conversions around you, I promise you that God is using your health circumstances to bring Him glory. He most definitely is! 

Most of us will never know how are helping the Kingdom of God & that's because we don't have the advantage of being out of time & space, like God. We can't see the impact our suffering & trust in God is having on the people around us. But trust me, God is definitely not letting it go to waste & He most certainly has a plan in place to bring Himself glory. 

In my years of chronic illness, one thing I have noticed most clearly - People cannot ignore the fact there is something wrong with the world when they see someone walking through chronic illness. We remind people of their mortality & for those who don't know God, of their judgement. We are bright shiny neon signs that say, "Something is wrong; You need help to be made right with God." Now, this is not to say, that this isn't true in some sense for all Christians. I just think it's a much brighter, & ultimately harder to ignore, light for the chronically ill. 

As I read this verse written by Paul, perhaps I can paraphrase it a little to help us remember this truth:

'For me, to live is to be neon sign for Christ and to die is to be free & at home with God at last.'

Love always :)

Be joyful, prayerful & thankful!

Sorry about the delay between the last posts. I've just begun working again, part-time & my body is struggling to cope with this change/increased activity. Over these difficult week, I've been greatly challenged on what it means to be thankful. Paul tells us:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I don't know about you, but I struggle with this one. Particularly, when things are really bad & the depression sets in, I can't seem to stop feeling the pressures of loneliness & I end up focusing on all the things I will never get the chance to do or have because of my illness.

Friends, let me be honest with you. Being thankful & joyful is counter-cultural. Our world entices us to always be wanting & waiting for what we do not have & to pay any cost, even debt, to get what we want - in fact, it is exactly this premise that the entire world of advertising relies on. From morning to night, we are bombarded with images of what we "need" to be cool, accepted & to fit in. It is not uncommon to hear of people disappointed with their current lot in life because they don't own a house or the latest car etc. All of this is fueled from the idea that we deserve a certain standard of living. We are owed it. So when we do not get it, we are disappointed.
As sons & daughters of God, we know we don't deserve any good thing in our lives. If God gave us what we deserved on a daily basis, that would mean death as the wages of our sin are death (Rom 6:23). We know that every good, and wonderful thing in our life is ONLY because of the sheer grace of God, shown to us in Jesus because he died for us, while we were still sinners.

I hear you saying, 'That's all good in theory, but if you've seen how bad my life is, you wouldn't be able to do what Paul's asking us in this passage." I would like to say three brief things in response:

1. Paul suffered. 
He was tortured, beaten, imprisoned, persecuted, stoned & basically tormented for being a Christian (2 Cor 11:25-28). No one could say that Paul didn't know suffering.

2. Everyone finds this difficult. 
I guarantee that most people, if not everyone, has atleast at one point in their life, struggled to be thankful or joyful. I'm not saying that everyone suffers the same amount. I do believe some of us suffer more intensely than others but the struggle to be joyful amidst depressing circumstances is something all of us find hard.

3. Being joyful, prayerful & thankful are all connected. 
In all these things, I don't believe Paul is just asking us to change our actions ie. perhaps by pinning the sides of our mouths up so that we are always smiling or by setting aside more time for prayer. I think Paul's asking us here to change our attitudes and mindset.

By choosing to be joyful, prayerful and thankful we are acknowledging that life is not just about us fulfilling our own needs and wants. Our life is about giving glory to God. Paul tells us in Romans 9:21 that God chooses some clay for noble purposes and some for common use. In the same way, I believe God chooses some of us to be healed and some of us to remain chronically ill; both so that God might be given glory. Being a Christian involves letting God sit in the driver's seat, even if it looks like he's driving us off a cliff, & knowing and trusting that He will, in all things ,work for the good of those who love Him.

If we are thank God for the good things in our lives (even if you can only think of one), then we can praise Him for it, which reminds us that He is God and in control of all things. This helps us pray for the things we know are lacking & for strength to endure, trusting in God's provision for us. This knowledge of trust helps us find joy, because we know are infinitely cared for & loved.

Let me further explain in an example. Today, I feel miserably ill. My body aches all over & I wonder how much longer I can possibly go on. I slow down, breathe & thank God that He saved me; that I am His child & one day soon, I will be with Him forever in an eternity without any pain or illness. I pray for strength to survive the day & hope so that I can face the future God has already set before me. This gives me joy, not necessarily ecstatic happiness, because I know that I will never have to face a minute of this life without my God by my side.

Friends, this isn't a magic formula or a three-step-program. This is changing our habits & our thought processes. It's hard but if we try to heed Paul's advice in this matter, perhaps we can understand and one day say, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.... I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil 4:11b,13)