For I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
And free my from my anguish." Psalm 25:16-17
Let me be upfront about a few things: Some of you might think this post is unhelpful. You may even think my thoughts are an over-reaction. But I write today for the chronically ill & suffering - I know you have felt this way in the past & might even be feeling this way now. I would be lying if I said this gets easier to face. But as you read this, I hope you see that you are not alone & you do not have to feel guilty or un-godly because you feel this way.
Yesterday was a rough day. Not because it was an unusual day in itself, but because it was a culmination of two week's worth of unsaid words. Someone wise once said, 'Actions speak louder than words'. And they were right! You might be facing persecution or discrimination from your friends or family through their words. They might describe you as lazy or weak because of what you endure every day. These words hurt. Even though they are said because many people don't understand what its like to endure through chronic illness, they hurt. Over time, your family & friends might become understanding. They'll learn & grow to see how your illness affects you & how it isn't your fault. It will be a difficult, long process, but they'll get there and things will get better.
But this post is not about hurting words. It's about hurting actions. For the most part, those closest to me, after nearly seven and a half years of fibromyalgia, understand how chronic illness affects my life. In words, they never blame me or accuse me of skipping important events because of laziness, when in reality it's because of agonizing pain. But their actions... that's a completely different story. I see the frustration & anger in their eyes when I can't walk as fast as them or when I can't run to the platform in the station. I see it when they have to work a little harder to find a restaurant with gluten free options. I hear it in their voices when we talk about recipes, & my ideas are dismissed because to them, 'gluten free' is just too hard. I see it in my work performance reviews when my colleagues who are completely healthy can finish a job in 2 hours & it takes me 2hours & 20 minutes. I feel it everytime I get angry & frustrated because people are treating me unfairly but those around me just attribute it to 'overreaction due to depression'. I feel it everytime I am fearful because there is not a soul in this world who wants to stay by my side & hold my hand through the darkness of my fibro flareups. The unsaid words. The unspoken judgement. It builds up, until it results in the only possible solution - to fall into bed, call out to God & cry & cry & cry, until there's no tears left. I am alone.
If you feel like this, please do not feel guilty for it. In Romans, Paul talks about the whole of creation groaning for God to restore it. It is the same with us. We were made for relationship, with God, ourselves & the world. According to Maslow's hierarchy, showing the fundamental needs of humans, the number one is to feel needed, understood & appreciated. Those of us with chronic illness struggle even more to fulfil this need. The theme & anthem of the unsaid words & unseen actions which screams at us each day is this: 'We accept you. Be who you are, as long as who you are is someone else.' Our need to be accepted drives us to our knees regularly. It forces us to see that this world is not what it is meant to be. It forces us to long with desperation for Jesus to come & restore this world.
Friends, if you feel alone in this crowded world, know that I understand how you feel & more importantly, God knows & understands how you feel. I sympathise with you & I have three pieces of advice for you (& for myself):
1. Cry often. Set aside time once a week to cry & mourn. Cry because of the prejudice you face for your illness. Cry because no one seems to see the effort & love you put in; they only see the lack of results produced. Fall into your God's arms & cry & ask God to take away this week's anguish/pain.
2. Continue to long & look forward to that day, when God will restore this world, your body & all relationships back to perfection.
3. Continue to love others around you, even as God has loved you. Jesus said, 'Whoever has been forgiven little, loves little.' [Luke 7:47]. Remember how much you've been forgiven for, & love as much as you can.
'Pain and suffering often generate a profound sense of loneliness. We think we are cut off from everyone, we feel that no one can possibly understand' Don Carson - How Long, O Lord?
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