Cry myself a river

"Turn to me and be gracious to me. 
For I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
And free my from my anguish."                                               Psalm 25:16-17

Let me be upfront about  a few things: Some of you might think this post is unhelpful. You may even think my thoughts are an over-reaction. But I write today for the chronically ill & suffering - I know you have felt this way in the past & might even be feeling this way now. I would be lying if I said this gets easier to face. But as you read this, I hope you see that you are not alone & you do not have to feel guilty or un-godly because you feel this way.

Yesterday was a rough day. Not because it was an unusual day in itself, but because it was a culmination of two week's worth of unsaid words. Someone wise once said, 'Actions speak louder than words'. And they were right! You might be facing persecution or discrimination from your friends or family through their words. They might describe you as lazy or weak because of what you endure every day. These words hurt. Even though they are said because many people don't understand what its like to endure through chronic illness, they hurt. Over time, your family & friends might become understanding. They'll learn & grow to see how your illness affects you & how it isn't your fault. It will be a difficult, long process, but they'll get there and things will get better.

But this post is not about hurting words. It's about hurting actions. For the most part, those closest to me, after nearly seven and a half years of fibromyalgia, understand how chronic illness affects my life. In words, they never blame me or accuse me of skipping important events because of laziness, when in reality it's because of agonizing pain. But their actions... that's a completely different story. I see the frustration & anger in their eyes when I can't walk as fast as them or when I can't run to the platform in the station. I see it when they have to work a little harder to find a restaurant with gluten free options. I hear it in their voices when we talk about recipes, & my ideas are dismissed because to them, 'gluten free' is just too hard. I see it in my work performance reviews when my colleagues who are completely healthy can finish a job in 2 hours & it takes me 2hours & 20 minutes. I feel it everytime I get angry & frustrated because people are treating me unfairly but those around me just attribute it to 'overreaction due to depression'. I feel it everytime I am fearful because there is not a soul in this world who wants to stay by my side & hold my hand through the darkness of my fibro flareups. The unsaid words. The unspoken judgement. It builds up, until it results in the only possible solution - to fall into bed, call out to God & cry & cry & cry, until there's no tears left. I am alone.

If you feel like this, please do not feel guilty for it. In Romans, Paul talks about the whole of creation groaning for God to restore it. It is the same with us. We were made for relationship, with God, ourselves & the world. According to Maslow's hierarchy, showing the fundamental needs of humans, the number one is to feel needed, understood & appreciated. Those of us with chronic illness struggle even more to fulfil this need. The theme & anthem of the unsaid words & unseen actions which screams at us each day is this: 'We accept you. Be who you are, as long as who you are is someone else.' Our need to be accepted drives us to our knees regularly. It forces us to see that this world is not what it is meant to be. It forces us to long with desperation for Jesus to come & restore this world.

Friends, if you feel alone in this crowded world, know that I understand how you feel & more importantly, God knows & understands how you feel. I sympathise with you & I have three pieces of advice for you (& for myself):

1. Cry often. Set aside time once a week to cry & mourn. Cry because of the prejudice you face for your illness. Cry because no one seems to see the effort & love you put in; they only see the lack of results produced. Fall into your God's arms & cry & ask God to take away this week's anguish/pain.

2. Continue to long & look forward to that day, when God will restore this world, your body & all relationships back to perfection.

3. Continue to love others around you, even as God has loved you. Jesus said, 'Whoever has been forgiven little, loves little.' [Luke 7:47]. Remember how much you've been forgiven for, & love as much as you can.

'Pain and suffering often generate a profound sense of loneliness. We think we are cut off from everyone, we feel that no one can possibly understand' Don Carson - How Long, O Lord?

Jesus is no stranger to our sorrow & trials

"Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”
Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”
When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners.Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”
Matthew 26:36-46

Friends, do you ever feel like you are being swallowed whole by the day to day struggles of living with a chronic illness? Do you feel like nobody really understands you or gets what you go through each day? Do you feel alone?

If you're anything like me, you probably feel these feelings often. It's hard dealing with long-term illness & the truth is many of our friends, family & peers, who've never experienced it for themselves or had a close encounter through a friend, actually don't know what it's like to struggle with this.
For years, I have had feelings and thoughts that quite frankly, I used to think were somehow "un-Christian" or ungodly. I thought, "The world holds absolutely no joy for me", "There's nothing but heaven for me to look forward to in my future" and I've even thought, "My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death".

Jesus knows what it is like to feel like this. In the passage above, we see Jesus' last actions and thoughts before his arrest and subsequent cruxification. Jesus knew that His death was imminent. He knew the struggles that He'd face and He knew He'd face them alone. I want to point out five things about this passage:

1. Even though Jesus knew it was God's will for Him to suffer this way, He felt sorrow, even to the point of death (verse 38). 
It is not wrong for us to feel upset and feel saddened by the state we are in. This is hard. It is most definitely NOT wrong for us to grieve, even when we know and believe that God has and is using our circumstances for His glory. Struggling with depression is therefore NOT wrong.

2. Jesus brought the full weight of His sorrow to God in prayer (verse 39,42). 
When life is hard, we can bring this sorrow and pain to God. God's big enough to handle the absolute worst and scariest, deepest, darkest feelings we've ever had. He's big enough to deal with it all. In verse 38, Jesus basically tells God that he is so full of sorrow, that He might drop dead. I don't know if you've ever felt this way; I have. It is the point where everything is falling apart, and where, in the limitations of my human mind, I just cannot imagine how life could go on from here. It is safe, right and good for us, as children of God, to share these feelings with Him. Sometimes, just the mere act of taking those feelings out of our thoughts and speaking to God about them (ie. making them a reality) makes us feel better because it reminds us that we are not alone & gives us the opportunity to replace those feelings with words of hope, God's very own words from His Word.

3. Even though Jesus knew it was God's will for Him to suffer this way, He asked for the possibility of God freeing him from sorrow and death (verse 39).
It is not wrong for us to want to be healthy, to be well. This is a basic human desire; When this world was made, when we were made, sickness did not belong in this world. It is not wrong for us to desire to be well, to desire for the world to be put back to its original state where death, sin, sickness and suffering are not present.

4. Despite all that He felt, Jesus asked God to do His will (verse 39, 42)
This is important. As followers of Jesus, we know that this life is not merely about us. It is not about our happiness or accumulating large volumes of possessions or even feeling wanted and loved. This life is about bringing glory to God and sharing God's love with the world. And believe it or not, God can use your life altering, crippling chronic illness to do exactly this! In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul tells us that he too had a thorn in His flesh. And though He asked God thrice to take it away, God responds differently. He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." At first glance, you might say, 'well, that's great, but it doesn't exactly help me work out how to live with this', but bear with me on this. For whatever reason, human beings tend to grow closer to God during difficult times, not good ones. Struggles remind us of the fact that we are only human. That we are only the created, not the Creator. Over the past seven years, as I reflect over life and all that God has accomplished through me, I am amazed. God has done a great work in me! Despite agonizing pain, He has given me opportunities to serve, provided for my day to day life & still managed to help me be a witness and light to others!

A couple of years ago, I remember reflecting on Philippians 3:8 and  4:13, asking God to help me 'consider all things a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord' and 'learn the secret of being content in all situations and know that I can do everything through Christ'. Now, as I reflect on the year gone by (yes, because all things are clearer in hindsight), I see that God has and is answering that prayer. The things of this earth, with each day, hold less and less joy & power over me, as I see the futility of pursuing them. Furthermore, God has taught me so much about how to live in complete reliance & dependence on Him, as I grow weaker. I now see why Paul says in the passage in 2 Corinthians 12, "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am grateful to God for all that he has taught me and is continuing to teach me through my weakness & chronic illness, probably lessons I would not have learnt otherwise. Praise God that He doesn't just give us what we ask for blindly, but gives us what we need.

5. Though Jesus took His closest friends with Him (Peter, James and John - verse 37), they did not understand what He was going through. They fell asleep. They did not and could not comfort Him (verse 40,43).
If you're anything like me, you've probably experienced an array of frustration at the lack of understanding you've received from people. I know how you feel. Over the course of my illness, I've lost more friends than I can bear to remember, people who thought I was exaggerating things, people who got mad at me for not being able to attend parties or come to events, people who just got tired of the burden of bearing with a person who has so much need, and people who themselves are struggling with so much that they do not have time or energy to deal with anyone else's lives & problems. It's hard; chronic illness sometimes walks hand in hand with chronic isolation and friend-less-ness.

Jesus experienced this. See Peter, James and John did not know what Jesus knew. They could not imagine or conceive that the Son of God had such a future to come, even though Jesus did tell them it was coming (eg. Matthew 20:17-19; 16:21-28). When it came to the depths of His sorrow, God remained his only comfort. And yet, Jesus knew that this did not mean He was not loved. They loved Him; they just did not know how to deal with this - "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak".

Friends, forgive your friends for their lack of understanding. Forgive them because chronic illness is not anything they have ever dealt with themselves. Forgive them because God has forgiven you.
But that's not all. Forgive yourself. It is so easy to feel burdened & at blame for not exerting beyond your strength to 'save' those friendships. If they don't work out, you need to forgive yourself because you are not in control of it all. Finally, treasure those friendships that do last. Everytime I plunge into misery and feel all alone, I reach into my special boxes, where I store cards, notes and letters people have sent to me over the years. I read them all to encourage myself, to remind myself that others are praying for me & also, to remind myself that even if I feel alone, I am NOT alone. And neither are you.