I remember....

Let me tell you about something that seems to be helping me get through this pain..

For a while, I've been fascinated with memory foam.. it seems to be popular, but does it really work?

If you haven't heard of it before, memory foam is supposed to remember the position of your head and body and thus conform to it. It also has the added bonus of reduced muscular pains and keeps your body cool so that you can avoid those pesky night sweats..

I've used it for two nights so far and already I can notice the difference.. Especially for a person suffering with fibro, who spends most of the day in bed, it actually helps. How, you ask?

- While I sleep, the pillows keep my head aligned. My previous pillows were too high resulting in intense neck and head pain each morning
- While I sit, it cushions my bum & my legs, thus reducing sores
- It eases my muscles so that I can get out of bed easier

It really helps! And don't worry, once you get up, the foam goes back to normal. Thus, even if you move around in the night, it will conform to your new position each time.

It can be quite pricey - I bought my set off CatchoftheDay for $100. Money well spent!
The only downside now, is that I am resting better and therefore, just can't seem to get up!

Surviving the big "C"

No, this isn't a post about cancer.

How do you survive this holiday season with your Fibromyalgia or other chronic illness?
If you're anything like me, this season probably brings more people contact than you can handle, more intolerable foods that you have to eat and more flare-ups that you can count...so is there any way you can minimise this??

Here's my top five tips:

1. Plan, pre-plan and pre-pre-pre plan
If you love doing things like baking goodies, then there is no harm in starting to make them from November, to give yourself time to slowly make them, rest and then start again. There's nothing worse than having to push yourself to get it all done in the last minute.

2. Buy them early, wrap them slowly
Same goes for pressies.. Try to get your shopping done early. It also helps to do your shopping online, that way you can do it in your pj's with a heatpack to soothe your pain. If you can afford it, pay a little extra to have your presents sent wrapped. Or else, try to do one a day or two, if you can manage it. Christmas is no time to forget your mantra - pace, pace, pace.

3. Two kiwis and a lemon
If Christmas finds you eating a whole bunch of unhealthy or intolerant food, that leaves you bloated or heavy or constipated, try a home remedy. Make sure you have two kiwis atleast a day. I also find that soaking a slice of lemon in water not only makes a refreshing treat but also triggers your liver into cleansing your body. Plus, as an added bonus, they're fructose free!

4. Enjoy, even if only for the moment
Make sure you do enjoy yourself. Have a laugh. Chat to some family. Remember, you are not your illness. Sometimes, it helps to forget for a while and remember what life used to be like. Have some cake. Have a glass of wine.

5. Schedule some recovery time
This is possibly the most important one. Anticipate that the season is going to be tough on you. Plan some time doing something that helps your body recover afterwards, whether that's a warm bubble bath, a good cry, a long nap or anything else that comforts your body. You deserve it!


Do you have any other tips that have helped you in the past? That are helping you right now? Please do share.

Most of all, have a wonderful Christmas and a blessed New Year!
Love to you all.. xo

An App for Everything..

If you're anything like me, you've got one or both of the following two problems:

Problem 1: You have way too many medications to take and you know that research shows that medications are better absorbed if you don't take more than one at a time.

Problem 2: You cannot seem to remember to take your medications on time.

So what are the solutions?

Solution 1: Bang your head against someone with a good memory and hope it transfers across.... OR

Solution 2: Get this Pill Reminder App on your phone (This is an Iphone App, but there may be one for Android too)..

Now I've tried a few of these kinds of Apps and found them useless..This one is a little better.

You can set reminders so that you phone tells you to take each medication at a certain time. The other convenient thing you can do is set the number of medications you have so that it reminds you when you need to fill another script, which is perfect if you have a memory like mine..

Have you found any other nifty ways to help you remember to take your medications?

Fibro Myth #6: It's all in your head!

How many times have you heard either a doctor or a friend tell you that your fibro is all in your head? That if only you focused on something else, the pain would just disappear. If you've been sick for a while, chances are you've probably heard this atleast a couple of times.

Unfortunately, friends, some people treat us this way, and perhaps even more shockingly, some doctors treat us this way too. If you're not a chronic pain sufferer, you may not understand the impact of hearing such a statement - Imagine this. You find out you have a brain tumour. It's fairly serious. It's causing your cells to mutate and your muscle functions to be disrupted. You go to your doctor & show him the scans and explain. This is what he says:

You're probably laughing now, but is our fibromyalgia any different. Most researchers and doctors agree that fibromyalgia is caused by a change in the neurological system which causes our brains to perceive pain differently. So technically, yes, just like a tumour, it's all in our head. But what difference does that make? Just like you wouldn't ignore a tumour just because it's in your head, so it is with our fibromyalgia. Only a fool would walk around with a tumour, simply trying to push through it! And yet, that is what a lot of people tell us to do.. Friends, do not get caught up in trying to "push" through and simply survive. Take steps to help yourself, seek assistance and pursue treatments and strategies. 

Sure, the fibromyalgia is in your head (ie. brain), but that doesn't make it any less real or painful. 

Listen to your body..

Ever walk through a really busy street or stand in a really busy train? With people shoving you left, right and centre; where you feel like you're moving at snail pace or moving backwards against the tide? When all your effort doesn't result in you getting anyway except hurt by the people pushing you aside as they bustle around?

Ever feel invisible and ignored amongst a crowd; that though you are screaming for help and love, no one around you appears to hear or notice you? 

This is how your body feels when you push through to keep doing things. It feels ignored. It sends out tired and pain signals to alert you to the fact that it is in distress. If still unheard, it causes you to crash, in hopes you'll learn to rest and take care of yourself better next time.

If you talk to anyone who's successfully managing their fibro or chronic illness and ask them about their life pre-illness, they will almost certainly tell you that they've learnt to slow down over the years. They've learnt to pace themselves and not deplete all their energy stores overnight. They've learnt to listen to their body and hear it screaming for help.

Do you?

If not, perhaps now is the time to start. How about doing something simply for your body today? Get a massage or have a long luxurious bubble bath. Ask someone for a soft hug. Let yourself cry if you're feeling down or have a laugh otherwise. 


Trust me. It will make a difference. Even if you're not chronically ill, start today. Your body WILL thank you. 

   

Support National Pain Week!

To those of you struggling with chronic pain, who know others who do or who just plain believe that chronic pain needs to be addressed by the government, please consider supporting National Pain Week 2012.


Here's some practical things you can do to help:

1. Sign the online petition to the Senate to request them to address and take action on the issue of chronic pain in Australia.

2. Print out a copy of the written petition to the House of Representatives and sign it. Get your colleagues, friends, church members, family etc to sign it. Send it via post to Chronic Pain Australia.

3. If you struggle with chronic pain yourself, then please register on the National Pain Week page and add your face to the 10,000 faces of pain campaign. Show the government that we are not small numbers and that this issue deserves attention.

4. If you do have the energy, make an appointment to see your local MP. Tell him/her about the issue of chronic pain, the pain you feel, its impact on your life and work etc. We need to let the government know that is not a passive issue raised by a few but one that deserves attention as it involves the daily pain of many in our country.

5. Inform Chronic Pain Australia of which MP you've met with and when you discussed chronic pain with them so that they know how many local MPs have heard.

Click here to find out more details about the above.

Even if you can't do all these steps, please do as many as you can. Together, we can make a difference!
Together, we can be heard!

Remembering to Grieve

One important thing to remember as a chronically ill sufferer is to remember to grieve & grieve often. Why, you ask? We need to grieve for the loss of health, the effect it takes on our relationships, the loss of friends, loves & family, the loss of serving & extra curricular involvement, the loss of work or study...& so much more..

When I first became ill, I used to push through. I thought that being a survivor meant, that I should long for better days & keep working harder. I thought that when dark days pushed me down, I should shove it & strive harder to reach the goal. I was wrong.

Acceptance is the goal, not Performance. But unlike most other goals in life, you might notice that even after you reach acceptance, you might fall back into denial. That is natural, and a normal part of what we go through. So don't beat yourself up when you fall back & definitely don't attempt to rush through the phases. Take each step as it comes & be content to sit wherever your station for the day is.

So, what are these steps, you ask:

1. Denial

Believe it or not, denial is always the first stage. You will start off at denial, no matter how much you try to deny it. At this station, the world feels hopeless & overwhelming. It's where you stop moving, because you don't know where to go. You might find yourself, pushing hard to retain all the activities of your old life, hoping to reach that brink point, where you wake up and find it's all been a dream.



2. Anger 

This station, involves screaming, bitterness, hurt and rage. It might end up being directed at friends, family, doctors, randoms and even God. It includes both the outrage that such injustice could occur as well as the effect of your ill health on your life.
Some people skip the anger stage, but it's substitute is often just as difficult, Blame. Blame convinces you that there must be something that you've done that has caused this pain. There must be some ulterior motive. Blame forces you to retreat and wander through all your past actions for the source of all of your pain.


3. Bargaining

Bargaining is  where you try anything & everything to return to normal. You try & make deals with God - I'll give more money if you take it away. I'll never sin again. I'll study harder. I won't watch TV. Please. Just take it away. 

If your step 2 has been blame, then bargaining is where we make rectifying actions, in hopes that we can somehow earn our way back from suffering.


4. Depression

This step is where you start to realise that things are not going to change. It's where you finally feel the full effect of your illness & how much it's going to or has already taken from your life. It's where you realise how all your dreams, friends, work etc have been plucked out of your hand. Everything has changed.
This is often the stage where we might explore the bigger questions, like why is there pain & suffering in the first place?
Depression is an extremely important part of your grief. It is impossible to skip this stage. You'll often find that people around you, might not be willing to hear your deepest, darkest thoughts. For instance, I've thought so many times about dying, willing to die, wanting to die and begging for death. No matter how dark your thoughts get in this depression, try not to feel guilty about it.
The most important thing in this step is to find a healthy way to express your grief. Most people find a creative outlet to do this - some paint, others knit. I write poems; Truthfully, I only really write poems when I'm in this stage. It's the best way for me to acknowledge those thoughts as real feelings, express them to God and get them out of my head. You need to find a way to do that for yourself. It doesn't need to be pretty. It doesn't even need to be shared with anyone.

5. Acceptance

This isn't being okay with your illness. Most people never really feel good about suffering. It is about accepting that this is how life is and is going to be for the present. It's accepting the impact of your health on your relationships. It's accepting that you cannot work anymore or can only do part-time. It's realising and letting go of the dreams that your old self held. It's allowing yourself to live with this reality.


Remember, on any given day, you could be in any one of these stages. As a chronically ill sufferer, particularly as one with a complicated, misunderstood illness, you'll find yourself regularly going through these cycles. Once you start to recognise which step you are in, you'll find that you beat yourself up less about the feelings that are only natural to have. Sometimes, you'll reach acceptance within a couple of days, sometimes it might take months or years. Don't forget - it's not a race; so feel free to pace yourself.

And remember, you are not alone. Even if every single one of the people in your life abandons you in your time of distress, your God will never abandon you. He'll walk with you through every one of these stages; that's His promise to you.

"Listen to me, O house of Jacob,

all who remain of the house of Israel,

you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,

and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs,

I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you. 

I will sustain you and I will rescue you."    

Isaiah 46:3-4

Raise some awareness!

There are some really key things coming up in chronic illness saga that is our lives, so check them out!

1. International Fibromyalgia / ME / CFS Awareness Day - Saturday, 12th May
I read somewhere that this day was chosen as it is Florence Nightingale's birthday, who was believed to have these illnesses. I don't know if that's true, though.

Either way, get on board! Whether, you are a sufferer, carer or you know someone who has one of the above, wear purple to show your support. To take extra advantage of this day, here's some ideas:

• Give a gentle hug to someone you know who has these illnesses or bake them a cake
• Spend a day listening to them & doing what they can enjoy without too much pain
• Write to your local MP to make them aware that one of the 3-6% of the population who struggles with these illnesses lives in their locality. 
• Share this post & use your social media to let others know of this condition
• Share this video made by a fibro sufferer in honour of the day:

2. National Pain Week

This week, organised by Chronic Pain Australia, is mainly centred around three events:

• a one-day conference in Canberra on 25th July titled "The Culture of Pain". 
• 10,000 faces of pain - showing real people struggling with chronic pain
• An Art Competition to raise awareness for chronic illness     See more details here. 

This website also has access to research programs on chronic pain if you're interested to help with that.

3. Here's another really helpful video on Pain - by Chronic Pain Australia

Love always :)

How many spoons do you have today?

I found this really lovely diagram (see below) on a fellow fibro sufferer's twitter page to help you explain The Spoon Theory to your family and friends:
Here's how it goes: You hand over to your friend a limited number of spoons (eg. 20) and say, "There you go, You now have fibromyalgia/a chronic illness." 

(c) Chronic Hope

Explain that the difference between being chronically ill and healthy is that you have to make choices and consciously think about what things you can do, and what you can't, even though you want to. 


Most people start their days with unlimited energy and possibilities to do what ever they desire. By and large, they don't have to worry about the effects of their actions. But we start the day with a limited number of 'spoons'.


Ask your friend to count their spoons, because having a chronic illness means you need to plan your day; you need to know exactly how many 'spoons' you begin the day with. Then, list all the things your friend does in a day, from normal tasks, like brushing your teeth, to fun things like going out for dinner. 


Explain how each thing they do costs them a spoon. 
For eg) getting out a bed, when you are sore & exhausted because you didn't sleep last night costs you two spoons.  Brushing your teeth and taking a shower each costs you a spoon. Walking to the car costs you another. Catching the train at peak hour costs you two spoons. Having a meeting at work costs you a spoon while enjoying a lunch with three girlfriends might cost you three spoons. Catching the train back home, whilst standing during peak hour, costs you three spoons. Carrying your work laptop home might cost you one spoon. Making yourself some instant dinner might cost you one spoon. Dealing with your high pain levels for the whole day will probably cost you three spoons. Remembering to take your medication during the day will probably cost you another spoon.... and before you know it, you're empty. There's no spoons left. You haven't got a spoon to talk to your family, or one to get ready for bed or another to fall asleep. So you borrow three of tomorrow's spoons. Only now, you have only 17 spoons to get through tomorrow with. 

A couple of days, weeks, or years like this will quickly teach you that you just can't spend your spoons willy-nilly. You need to evaluate each day & think carefully on how you are going to spend your spoons. For instance, in the above case, you might have to cancel your lunch with three friends, so that you have enough spoons (ie. energy) to make it to bed that night. 
Believe it or not, even spending time with God or reading the bible or hugging someone takes spoons. 


For those of you currently struggling with chronic illness, I hope this is a helpful way for you to think about your day and how to survive through it. If you are someone seeking to support a chronic illness sufferer, I hope this has been a helpful glimpse into what's it like to live with chronic illness. 


One of the best parts of this theory, is that it is not just for fibromyalgia or for lupus (that was what it was originally written for). I think it's a helpful explanation for anyone struggling with chronic illness. 


So, how many spoons do you have today? 


For a more detailed explanation of the Spoon Theory, click here. Refer to my previous blog post (here) for other helpful links to explaining and learning about fibromyalgia. 

Fibro-Whaaaat?

Do you ever feel like no one really understand what it's like to have fibromyalgia? Even if you find someone who's interested to hear you out, do you feel like you're fumbling with your words to find a way to help the other person understand?

Well, I definitely do not claim to be the expert on this one, but here's a few links & ideas to try out. Perhaps, this will give you somewhere to start from:

A Day in the Life of Us
The spoon theory is written for lupus, so a fellow fibro-sufferer came up with the straw theory, but I think both are somewhat useful to explain life with a chronic illness:
Spoon Theory (Lupus): Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory
Straw Theory (Fibro): Jayde Dow's Straw Theory 

Helping You & Others Understand Fibro
Understanding Fibromyalgia - Common Ways to Explain Your Illness
What is Fibromyalgia - MediBrain
Helpful Technical Articles - Lewis Institute Library
Living with Fibromyalgia - Arthritis Victoria

Helpful Ways to Combat Your Illness
10 Things to Stop Yourself from Doing
Coping with Fibromyalgia - FMT News

Helpful Books to Read
This is a tough one & so far I've only found one book that's been helpful & unbiased.
Living with Fibromyalgia - Christine Craiggs-Hinton

Suggestions on Doctors in Melbourne
Dr Daniel Lewis
The Fibro Clinic, Monash Medical Centre, Clayton

Support Groups
Fibromyalgia Melbourne Facebook Support Group - this is one I'm a part of & am finding really supportive
Fibromyalgia Peer Support Groups - Arthritis Victoria

Unfortunately, there is a lot of mis-information about Fibro and other chronic illnesses out there so don't believe everything you read. I've had a look at the links above & they appear to be legit.

I hope this post has been helpful. I'll try to keep updating this post with any new links I find.
Feel free to message me or comment on this post, if you've found other links, books or information that's been helpful to you. I'll be more than happy to include them in this blog to help others out too!

Ouch...Those Words Sting

Do you ever find yourself being the recipient of a wide array of never-ending unhelpful comments by those around you? Like any problem, illness can result in everyone and anyone offering you their five step program for you to get better, from vitamin supplements to foods to random chants. Some of them are helpful & some of them are plain weird. Usually, they're well meaning but somehow end up actually being hurtful, hearing other people claim to be the expert on your brand of suffering without ever going through it themselves. To claim to even know more than you have learnt from your struggles. This is really tough to deal with.

Source: FibroTV

The Bible also tells us that words can affect us - "Kind words are good medicine, but deceitful words can really hurt." (Proverbs 15:4, CEV). 

So, what can you do if you're hearing lots of these words?
Well, personally I think there are three things to do:
1. Without raising your voice too much, explain clearly that it is not helpful for you to hear that. That your illness is different and through all your research and experience, you have actually found that this is not useful or that something you currently do is better.
2. At your earliest opportunity, go have a bit of a cry with God. Express your frustration to him & grieve for how those comments have made you feel. This way, it does not have the chance to grow into bitterness in your heart.
3. Resolve to be careful with the way you use your words and ask God to help your words be ones that help & not hurt.

So, what can you do if you are a healthy person seeking to help or encourage a chronically ill person?
1. Be upfront about your lack of experience with the subject. Acknowledge that you don't really know all the answers.
2. Listen to your chronically ill friend or family member. Let them voice their hurts & pain.
3. If after this, you still have advice that might help, start by saying something like this: I'm no expert about your pain and I don't know if this will help but do you think ".........." might help?
4. Give your chronically ill friend or family member a hug. Sometimes, there are no answers but it's nice to know that someone cares. On a more biological note, physical touch, eg. hug, might help release chemicals in the brain, causing the person's parasympathetic nervous system to calm a little, releasing chemicals that give us that feeling of comfort.

Cry myself a river

"Turn to me and be gracious to me. 
For I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart
And free my from my anguish."                                               Psalm 25:16-17

Let me be upfront about  a few things: Some of you might think this post is unhelpful. You may even think my thoughts are an over-reaction. But I write today for the chronically ill & suffering - I know you have felt this way in the past & might even be feeling this way now. I would be lying if I said this gets easier to face. But as you read this, I hope you see that you are not alone & you do not have to feel guilty or un-godly because you feel this way.

Yesterday was a rough day. Not because it was an unusual day in itself, but because it was a culmination of two week's worth of unsaid words. Someone wise once said, 'Actions speak louder than words'. And they were right! You might be facing persecution or discrimination from your friends or family through their words. They might describe you as lazy or weak because of what you endure every day. These words hurt. Even though they are said because many people don't understand what its like to endure through chronic illness, they hurt. Over time, your family & friends might become understanding. They'll learn & grow to see how your illness affects you & how it isn't your fault. It will be a difficult, long process, but they'll get there and things will get better.

But this post is not about hurting words. It's about hurting actions. For the most part, those closest to me, after nearly seven and a half years of fibromyalgia, understand how chronic illness affects my life. In words, they never blame me or accuse me of skipping important events because of laziness, when in reality it's because of agonizing pain. But their actions... that's a completely different story. I see the frustration & anger in their eyes when I can't walk as fast as them or when I can't run to the platform in the station. I see it when they have to work a little harder to find a restaurant with gluten free options. I hear it in their voices when we talk about recipes, & my ideas are dismissed because to them, 'gluten free' is just too hard. I see it in my work performance reviews when my colleagues who are completely healthy can finish a job in 2 hours & it takes me 2hours & 20 minutes. I feel it everytime I get angry & frustrated because people are treating me unfairly but those around me just attribute it to 'overreaction due to depression'. I feel it everytime I am fearful because there is not a soul in this world who wants to stay by my side & hold my hand through the darkness of my fibro flareups. The unsaid words. The unspoken judgement. It builds up, until it results in the only possible solution - to fall into bed, call out to God & cry & cry & cry, until there's no tears left. I am alone.

If you feel like this, please do not feel guilty for it. In Romans, Paul talks about the whole of creation groaning for God to restore it. It is the same with us. We were made for relationship, with God, ourselves & the world. According to Maslow's hierarchy, showing the fundamental needs of humans, the number one is to feel needed, understood & appreciated. Those of us with chronic illness struggle even more to fulfil this need. The theme & anthem of the unsaid words & unseen actions which screams at us each day is this: 'We accept you. Be who you are, as long as who you are is someone else.' Our need to be accepted drives us to our knees regularly. It forces us to see that this world is not what it is meant to be. It forces us to long with desperation for Jesus to come & restore this world.

Friends, if you feel alone in this crowded world, know that I understand how you feel & more importantly, God knows & understands how you feel. I sympathise with you & I have three pieces of advice for you (& for myself):

1. Cry often. Set aside time once a week to cry & mourn. Cry because of the prejudice you face for your illness. Cry because no one seems to see the effort & love you put in; they only see the lack of results produced. Fall into your God's arms & cry & ask God to take away this week's anguish/pain.

2. Continue to long & look forward to that day, when God will restore this world, your body & all relationships back to perfection.

3. Continue to love others around you, even as God has loved you. Jesus said, 'Whoever has been forgiven little, loves little.' [Luke 7:47]. Remember how much you've been forgiven for, & love as much as you can.

'Pain and suffering often generate a profound sense of loneliness. We think we are cut off from everyone, we feel that no one can possibly understand' Don Carson - How Long, O Lord?

Express yourself!

When life gets us down, it's really easy to get frustrated. But for the most part, something good happens which eases some of that frustration away. When you're chronically ill, sometimes the frustrating events pile up one on top of another & it seems like something good is miles away. This builds up, until you find yourself exploding at a family member or crying over a piece of paper on the floor.

Friends, the best advice I can give you is this: Find a creative outlet to express your frustrations, hurt & pain into. Some of you might be thinking, "But you don't know me. I'm not creative at all. I can't even draw!". Truthfully, it doesn't have to be technically creative; just a healthy way to get rid of some of your frustration so that it doesn't overwhelm you and burst out.

Here's some practical suggestions I've come up with (& no, they don't all work for me):
1. If you are able to exercise, perhaps go for a walk or a run (only up to your physical ability). I am currently not able to do this one.
2. If one of your passions or hobbies does not cause you too much pain, then do that. For eg), if you knit, knit a row or if you are artistic, draw or paint a picture.
3. If you are not creative at all, take a piece of paper. Grab a good sturdy pen & scribble all over the paper. Cover ever inch harder & harder and harder until the paper rips up. Trust me, it sounds weird, but it helps. Another variation of this would be tearing up the paper / putting it through a shredder.
4. Try something monotonous, like throwing a ball on the wall. Focus your frustration on the ball & just go crazy!
5. Cry. Crying is actually better than laughing at getting rid of frustration & hurt. If you can't cry on demand, watch a really sad or heart breaking movie. For me, 'The Notebook' always makes me cry.
6. Laugh. Watch a comedy & laugh. Laughing is not as effective as crying for me, but it's still pretty good at easing some of that tension away.
7. If you are creative, you may choose to write a poem, or a story, or a song.
8. If you are into photography, go around your neighbourhood, a park or your house, & take pictures that identify with how you feel or how you want to feel.
9. Write about your feelings and thoughts in a diary.
10. Catchup with a friend / family member & tell them about it. Be careful with this one, as meeting with a person & sharing your struggles might be quite emotionally draining.
11. Finally, one of the best ones is talk to God. Yell at him. Cry at him. Whinge to him. Whatever you are feeling, just give it to Him. Remember, God wants to be in relationship with us. He's not content to just be part of our good times. He wants all of us, our difficulties, our struggles, our shames as well as our good times, funny incidents & moments of praise. Give it to God; trust me, He's big enough to deal with whatever is going through your mind. If you're feeling up to it, you might choose to pray and ask God to help ease some of these frustrations too.

Hope that helps! Remember, if you fail & lash out, just take a deep breath & try again next time!

Ps - If you're anything like me, you've probably got Madonna's 'Express Yourself' song stuck in your head now. I'm going to go listen to it now :)