Remembering to Grieve

One important thing to remember as a chronically ill sufferer is to remember to grieve & grieve often. Why, you ask? We need to grieve for the loss of health, the effect it takes on our relationships, the loss of friends, loves & family, the loss of serving & extra curricular involvement, the loss of work or study...& so much more..

When I first became ill, I used to push through. I thought that being a survivor meant, that I should long for better days & keep working harder. I thought that when dark days pushed me down, I should shove it & strive harder to reach the goal. I was wrong.

Acceptance is the goal, not Performance. But unlike most other goals in life, you might notice that even after you reach acceptance, you might fall back into denial. That is natural, and a normal part of what we go through. So don't beat yourself up when you fall back & definitely don't attempt to rush through the phases. Take each step as it comes & be content to sit wherever your station for the day is.

So, what are these steps, you ask:

1. Denial

Believe it or not, denial is always the first stage. You will start off at denial, no matter how much you try to deny it. At this station, the world feels hopeless & overwhelming. It's where you stop moving, because you don't know where to go. You might find yourself, pushing hard to retain all the activities of your old life, hoping to reach that brink point, where you wake up and find it's all been a dream.



2. Anger 

This station, involves screaming, bitterness, hurt and rage. It might end up being directed at friends, family, doctors, randoms and even God. It includes both the outrage that such injustice could occur as well as the effect of your ill health on your life.
Some people skip the anger stage, but it's substitute is often just as difficult, Blame. Blame convinces you that there must be something that you've done that has caused this pain. There must be some ulterior motive. Blame forces you to retreat and wander through all your past actions for the source of all of your pain.


3. Bargaining

Bargaining is  where you try anything & everything to return to normal. You try & make deals with God - I'll give more money if you take it away. I'll never sin again. I'll study harder. I won't watch TV. Please. Just take it away. 

If your step 2 has been blame, then bargaining is where we make rectifying actions, in hopes that we can somehow earn our way back from suffering.


4. Depression

This step is where you start to realise that things are not going to change. It's where you finally feel the full effect of your illness & how much it's going to or has already taken from your life. It's where you realise how all your dreams, friends, work etc have been plucked out of your hand. Everything has changed.
This is often the stage where we might explore the bigger questions, like why is there pain & suffering in the first place?
Depression is an extremely important part of your grief. It is impossible to skip this stage. You'll often find that people around you, might not be willing to hear your deepest, darkest thoughts. For instance, I've thought so many times about dying, willing to die, wanting to die and begging for death. No matter how dark your thoughts get in this depression, try not to feel guilty about it.
The most important thing in this step is to find a healthy way to express your grief. Most people find a creative outlet to do this - some paint, others knit. I write poems; Truthfully, I only really write poems when I'm in this stage. It's the best way for me to acknowledge those thoughts as real feelings, express them to God and get them out of my head. You need to find a way to do that for yourself. It doesn't need to be pretty. It doesn't even need to be shared with anyone.

5. Acceptance

This isn't being okay with your illness. Most people never really feel good about suffering. It is about accepting that this is how life is and is going to be for the present. It's accepting the impact of your health on your relationships. It's accepting that you cannot work anymore or can only do part-time. It's realising and letting go of the dreams that your old self held. It's allowing yourself to live with this reality.


Remember, on any given day, you could be in any one of these stages. As a chronically ill sufferer, particularly as one with a complicated, misunderstood illness, you'll find yourself regularly going through these cycles. Once you start to recognise which step you are in, you'll find that you beat yourself up less about the feelings that are only natural to have. Sometimes, you'll reach acceptance within a couple of days, sometimes it might take months or years. Don't forget - it's not a race; so feel free to pace yourself.

And remember, you are not alone. Even if every single one of the people in your life abandons you in your time of distress, your God will never abandon you. He'll walk with you through every one of these stages; that's His promise to you.

"Listen to me, O house of Jacob,

all who remain of the house of Israel,

you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,

and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs,

I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you. 

I will sustain you and I will rescue you."    

Isaiah 46:3-4